Don't know what the HELL that was

So DH and I went out for a couple of drinks tonight after dinner and a little clean up of the house. We actually went out to watch the Calgary-Chicago playoff game. Came back home, and had to go pee...Didn't go at the pub. Went pee as soon as we got home.

DH was on the toilet and I felt something move down below in my pelvic region. I look and there was this clump of brownish stuff. Dry Heave, Dry Heave...Here's the conversation:

W: Get off the toilet!
DH: You just got off the toilet!
W: GET OFF THE TOILET!
DH: Why?
W: GET OFF THE FUCKING TOILET!!!!!!
DH: I've got to go too.
W: (Pulls down underwear and pj's to show a clump of stuff on pad)

I sit down on the toilet, dry heave, dry heave....Look at it again...Dry heave, dry heave...DH takes some toilet paper and takes off my pad and wraps it in toilet paper and throws it in the garbage. Dry heave, dry heave...DH rubs my back...It's ok.

DH leaves the bathroom. I unravel the toilet paper and try to take a look at the blob of brownish crap on my pad just too see what it was. (Was it just a clot or tissue, etc) Throw up! Start shaking....The clump looks almost like the sac did almost 2 weeks ago. Definitely NOT clot....Must be some sort of tissue. Threw everything back into the garbage....

Guess I'll wait until the "Early Pregnancy Loss" clinic calls in a couple of days to tell them my story. I think I'll book another blood work to make sure my HcG #'s are dropping.

I thought I was doing so well...Bleeding was brown and almost nill until today.

Blood Work

Went for blood work yesterday to ensure my HcG numbers are dropping. Early Pregnancy Loss clinic (EPLC) and the clinic for IUI didn't actually tell me when to get my blood work done, so I decided 1 week after I expelled and I will go every week after that to ensure my numbers are dropping.

Got a call from both the EPLC and my IUI Dr office. EPLC told me my numbers were at 734 or so which was good....Basically they want to see the numbers below 5. She said that I don't have to go back for another blood test until May 22 or so...Just in time for the results for my appt with the IUI Dr on June 3. I told them that I wanted to go more often to ensure my numbers are dropping. Nothing worse than going for an appt on June 3 to discuss our options and we haven't expelled everything which just makes everything last that much longer.

Oh yeah....We went to see our family Dr (GP) (the best GP out there) to tell him what's been going on.....He asked if I needed anything. Drugs, u/s, etc. He was positive that the next time we'd see him we'd be pregnant with a sticky bean.

Hopefully he's right.

Tissue?

So...major cramps Saturday night, and I think I passed some tissue.

And Sunday morning we were at my cousins wedding brunch reception, and I went to the bathroom and think I passed more tissue.

First day back to work was yesterday. Made it through the day with no cramps until I left...Then 2 hours later more cramps...Took T3. Didn't have much bleeding though.

Today....hardly any bleeding, and no cramps...until now....Seems as though it waits until I am ready to go home.

Blood work is scheduled once a week now, to ensure that the HcG levels are dropping....

Let's get this over with so, I can have a period and try, try again.

First Day of My Life~Un Nuovo Giorno~Je suis née pour toi

The song, I believe, was written by Guy Chambers and Enrique Iglesias. It was recorded in Italian by Andrea Bocelli, and in French by Melanie C. By far my favorite version is by Garou, a French Canadaian singer, from his album "Piece of my Soul"

So I found a reason to stay alive,
Try a little harder, see the other side.
Talking to myself -
Too many sleepless nights,
Trying to find a meaning to this stupid life.
I don't want your sympathy,
Sometimes I don't know who to be.
Hey what ya looking for?
No one has the answer -
They just want more
Hey who's gonna make it back?
This could be the first
Day of my life

So I found a reason
To let it go
Tell you that I'm smiling
But I still need to grow.

Will I find salvation in the arms of love?
Will it stop me searching? Will it be enough?

I don't want your sympathy.
Sometimes I don't know who to be.

Hey what ya looking for?
No one has the answer, you just want more
Hey who's gonna make it back?
This could be the first day of my life.

The first time to really feel alive
The first time to break the chain
The first time to walk away from pain

Hey, what ya looking for?
No one has the answer - we just want more
Hey, who's gonna make it back?
This could be the first day of your life.
Hey what ya looking for?
No one has the answer they just want more...

Hey, who's gonna shine a light?

This could be the first day of my life...

All aboard the P-A-I-N Train!

04/15/2009

1:00pm - H inserted 4 little octagon pills into vagina called Misoprostol. Lay down for 60 minutes to allow pills to dissolve. Started crying.
2:30 - Got up, wandered around.
2:45- Went pee, very minimal pelvic cramp. Back to lay down.
3:08- Took a T3
3:50- A few more cramps. Took another T3 (yes I'm allowed). Went to bathroom again. Stomach cramps when sitting. Some red blood starting to flow.
Wandered around. Searched Internet. Feel the need to #2, but worried about forcing in case clots and pain. Sat on toilet...Red blood when wiping so something working. Filled hot water bottle for tummy. Prop myself halfway up on bed. Tired but worried about waking up with cramps and blood.
4:50- Some more stomach cramps. H comes to rub belly.
5:15- Another IBprofen. Cramps getting really bad.
6:00ish- Time becomes fuzzy as pain is really strong now. Sit on toilet as pain seems to subside there. Feel leakage, call H over. Passed a little blood, started dry heaving. Ready to vomit. Major cramps. Feel more leakage. H started rubbing my back. More dry heaving into the garbage. Passed stringy blood, with something that looked like a starfish(H)/seahorse(W). Looked in toilet. H and I both started dry heaving. Started crying. Started shaking. Sat on toilet for another 20 minutes. Cramps seems to subside.
6: 15- Call nurse at Hospital. Minor abdominal pain. Wonder how come there hasn't been much blood. Please tell me the worst is over.
8:00- Pee again. A lot of blood, felt some clots, but couldn't see the bottom of the toilet. Nothing as bad as 5:00 was.
9:40- Pain starting again. Took 2 more T3.
10:30- More thick blood in toilet.
11:30ish- Drift off to bed. Mild cramps.

04/16/2009
6:44am - Wake up. Bathroom. Gush of blood. Just heavy bleeding, like a heavy heavy period.
Present - Minor bleeding because I'm not moving around too much. Seems as most blood comes when sitting on toilet. Mild cramps.

Thanks to Always for creating their heavy overnight pads. Thanks to Tylenol for creating a heavy pain med called T3. Thanks to the tv for having a nice long epic like Forest Gump come on tv when we first started the meds (time flew by). Thanks to the clinic for checking up on us. And thanks to all the girls and guys who gave me unconditional support leading up to this.

Thanks to H who was there with me though out the whole thing. With this we've become closer, and feel that because of this we can accomplish anything together. I love you!

Now let's get past the last 24 hrs, so we can focus on the emotional and mental realization of what has really just happened.

Scared and Nervous

H and I, along with his parents (who are visiting) went to my mum and dad's for Easter brekky. Tradition in our Uke family.

Then went out for dinner with one of their friends here to a steakhouse. Didn't have a drink in anticipation of taking the m/c drugs. Or else I would have got hammered.

Got home, and was just too nervous to do the drugs. SIGH. My stomach was doing flip flops, I was antsy, and I had that nervous upset stomach, with #2...You all know what I mean.

But I did go #2 a little while ago, and of course pushing caused more brown/red blood to come out as well as what looked like mucus. So things are slowly working themselves out I think.

I am taking the rest of the work week off (today is a holiday) so I think we will do the meds tomorrow morning. Maybe as early as 4 or 5 am.

I will do this, just scared shittless.
I will keep you all posted.

Naturally

So yesterday and today I've had some brown spotting. Mostly when I wipe. And today when I went #2 my spotting, along with the brown, also had red. Now because it was #2, naturally we push, so while pushing I force the blood, hence the red, I think.

So I called the early pregnancy line at the hospital (the same one that gave the drugs to us), and told them I'm spotting brown, and asked if that was a sign that I was going to naturally m/c. The nurse said obviously my body knows there is something abnormal, and it's working it's way out. But using the misoprostol would ensure that everything gets out. And that since I'm spotting anyway...once I administer the meds...everything should be cleaned out within a hour.

So, I've been wearing a pad, but haven't collected anything. Only shows up when I wipe.

I'm actually quite nervous about doing this tomorrow. But I keep forgetting that because there was no growth in the fetus the last week, it still remains as small as 6.5-7 weeks. Not 9 like I would almost be at. So there isn't as much to expell.

Options

Went back to the clinic about 2 hrs after the u/s to meet with an early pregnancy loss nurse.
Options are:

1. Spontaneous m/c
2. Medication to induce the m/c
3. D&C

We didn't need to make a decision right away, but we decided on #2.
Our reasoning:

1. I don't want the unknown of waiting for the natural m/c. I would constantly be wondering if I'm bleeding or just having leakage. And who knows when it would happen.
2. We force the m/c to happen through pills shoved up the vagina. Misoprostol is the name of the drug. (I'll explain the procedure in a bit)
3. A D&C. Surgery where the Dr. open the cervix and scrape out the contents. No thank you!

So we opted for #2 because I'd rather have this over asap so that we can TTC again. From what we learnt the procedure goes a little like this:

We take 4 pills and insert them as far as we can into the vagina. Lay down for 60 minutes. Then usually within 2-4 hours the cramps kick in REAL bad, and then shortly after, the bleeding starts. Heavy bleeding with passing clots which would be the remains of our child. :-(
Everything should be cleaned out within 8 hrs. Then light cramping and bleeding for the next while. Anywhere from a few days to a few weeks.
We then go back to the hospital the day after the medication to see how I am feeling emotional and physically.
We were also given T3, IB-Profen, and gravol to handle any of the pain I might be in.
So seeing as it's Easter we will have to pick our time to administer the drugs. We are thinking Sunday night after Easter dinner.
The nurse was also ordered to take my vitals (blood pressure, pulse, temp) to ensure I was ok. And I don't blame them. TRAUMATIC to say the least.

We have the in laws here, and were going to tell them we are pregnant, but now we had to settle on telling them bad news instead. SIGH

I am quite nervous to take this medication. Fear of the unknown is always hard. And I'm not sure how I will react to the pain.
The nurse said the average period will come back 4-8 weeks after the m/c. So possibly up to 2 months wait, plus any if the Dr. wants us to wait.

It's tough around Easter, it's tough cuz I just lost Grannie, it's tough because I just lost what would be my child. I feel like closing my eyes, and just crying and sleeping.

DH is taking this quite hard. We will keep you posted hr by hr when we finally induce.

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!

Fuck. Yah I said it! What the fuck

So had 8.3 week u/s a few hours ago.

Seems as though there has been no growth, and now there is no heart beat!

So, they are surprised that I haven't bled yet.

They said they might be able to give me drugs to speed things to expell everything from my body. I'd rather do that then wait for the blood clot to expell on it's own. I hope it's not painful. Not really sure what to expect.

1918 - 2009

Yesterday we had prayers for Grannie, and today was the funeral. SOB SOB...

She is now at peace with Grandpa, her mum and dad, all her 14 siblings, and all her friends. It's a little selfish of me to have asked her to have stayed any longer. 90 is a glorious age to live until. I'm sure she was pretty lonely but never let on.

Rest now Grannie...You deserve it. We miss you.

ETERNAL MEMORIES!
Вічная Память

A little feeling

So I've been having some lower abdominal pain lately. Totally overanalyzing if it's related to the low heart beat or not.
Just 6 more days.

I also find that if I lay on my back, my stomach feels like it's pulling into my spine. And when I lay on my side I also get a pulling feeling depending on which side I lay on. Hopefully that's just a sign on my uterus undergoing changes and nothing more serious.

My breasts are still sore, but not constant. Now it's on and off.

Nothing much else to report. No other changes of note.